FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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