then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
