im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
