when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
