watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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