but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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