um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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