I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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