No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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