I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
