I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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