I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
