It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize