lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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