Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
