Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
