Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
