I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
