My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
