WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
