I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
