as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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