She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
