I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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