I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
