Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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