Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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