i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
