I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
