So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
