I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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