he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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