I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I lost the right to judge tonight
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
