I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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