i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
