my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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