I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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