either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
