DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
