i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
