i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
