dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
