I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize