well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
