i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
