Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
