I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
P.S. I can't hear my feet
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
