I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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