haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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