The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
