he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
