rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
