Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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