I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize