Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize