Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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