Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
