I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
