Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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