now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
